


Kiss Me

by LosttotheHoping



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack like Woah, Don't expect serious plot at all, Dubious Consent, F/F, F/M, Gaara's somewhat immune to Sasuke's insanity, Gen, Jiraiya's always up to something, M/M, Massive OOC-ness, Multi, Naruto is the only sane person alive, Other, Possibly-Drugged-Sasuke, Which is saying something
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-03 05:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1066180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LosttotheHoping/pseuds/LosttotheHoping
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Has Sasuke lost his mind? Or is he on drugs? Or perhaps it's some sort of mind control? Well, whatever it is, Naruto seems to be paying for it... Join us for some crack-filled yaoi fun in Kiss Me!</p>
<p>A story I have been posting on FFN for years now, and am now moving to Ao3.</p>
<p>This entire work is dedicated to the amazing and talented Azhwi, who has, from the beginning, been the main inspiration for this story.  Thank you again and again for keeping me going, dear!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kiss Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Azhwi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azhwi/gifts).



> Disclaimer: You really think this is mine? Seriously? Wow. I'm touched. Let's go have Sasuke-salad with Danzo-dressing and Sai Syrup on Neji Waffles.

Sasuke slammed his blond one-time friend against the wall, kunai in hand. Naruto tensed, but after meeting the Uchiha's eyes he relaxed again, no longer resisting. He smiled, eyes shimmering with tears so that even Sasuke paused. "This is it?" the blond asked him. He tried to laugh, but choked on it. "I guess it'd happen eventually, huh?"

For a moment, Sasuke contemplated just staying quiet. All he had to do was swipe the kunai's blade against Naruto's throat and it'd all be over. No more chases, no more fighting. They could end it right here. Once and for all. But there were other ways he could end it too. Ways he'd definitely considered; Naruto _was_ his best friend, after all. "Should I spare your pathetic life?" he asked softly, eyes narrowing mock-thoughtfully.

"Would it matter to you if I said 'I don't care anymore'?" the jinchurriki retorted half-heartedly. "I'm not going to stop you, Sasuke. Just... Get it over with."

"Finally realized that you'd have to kill me to bring me back, huh?" the Uchiha mocked, smirking and ignoring the melancholy statements. "I guess that's something you can't do."

Blue eyes saddened a bit. "No. I can't."

The matter of fact way he'd said it left Sasuke speechless for a moment. He'd expected his old friend to come back with 'can you?' or something equally biting. But he hadn't. Why? And why was Sasuke hesitating, anyway? He just felt... he felt it'd be a waste to kill the other. Yeah, that was it. It'd be a waste. Even as he thought this, though, he knew he was just kidding himself. He couldn't kill Naruto, anymore than Naruto could kill him. It was just a fact of life he'd have to accept.

"Dobe," he growled, eyes narrowing. Naruto opened his mouth - likely to say something else, though considering his last statement, Sasuke wasn't sure what - and Sasuke, not wanting to hear it, crushed his lips to the blond's. Shock made Naruto stand still until Sasuke pulled back, irritated. "Kiss me, dammit," he growled, refusing to acknowledge the twisting sensation in his chest that said he was afraid of rejection. He was Uchiha. Uchiha did not fear, dammit.

Blue eyes staring wide at him, Naruto gaped for a few seconds more before finally managing to find his voice. "Sasuke... Weren't you going to kill me?" He looked very, very confused.

Even more annoyed, Sasuke rolled his eyes and shook his head, shifting his hand and letting the kunai slip into the pouch he kept up his sleeve. "No. Now shut up. and kiss. me," he ordered and pressed his mouth to Naruto's once again, fed up with the whole thing. Naruto reciprocated this time, after hesitating briefly, and when Sasuke introduced the novel of tongue, he could feel the blond practically melt. Heh. Score one for him.

When Sasuke recognised the tight feeling in his chest, finally, as the need for air, he pulled back, gasping despite the tiny breaths he'd tried taking while kissing the blond. Dammit. He had to work on that. Naruto looked a cross between asphyxiated and dizzy, though the latter could be a product of the former, he guessed.

"Um..." Naruto lifted a hand and cradled his head as Sasuke pulled fully away from him. "I... My head hurts."

"Good." Sasuke grabbed the blond's wrist and tugged him down the hall of his current hide-out. "I'm kidnapping you, just so you know."

"Okay..." Pause. "Wait, what?"


	2. The Disease is Spreading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another grind against him made him groan as he felt an entirely different feeling from last time. Oh no. The disease was spreading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: See these cheese puffs? I totally used them for some yummy dirty fun with my Purring Naked Neji, Shower Addition that I got for free from Kaori due to my new membership to The Depraved Masses. (Yes, that was advertisement; go check out her Shinobi's Guide series!) Does this mean I own Naruto? Sadly, no.

Naruto wasn't quite sure he'd ever run from anyone before. Yeah, sure, he'd dodged, or left the area because it was too damaged, or lead his opponent into a trap. But he'd never actually run from anyone (that one time with the Ero Sennin when the old man got really drunk and thought he was an enemy didn't count). Of course, he was quite sure anyone would run if faced with Naruto's situation.

Namely, his enemy - that had once been his rival slash best friend... thingy - wanted to screw him. Literally. As in, have sex with him.

Yeah, his problem should be obvious now.

"Leave me alone!" Naruto shouted, his voice swallowed by the tunnel and sounding a bizarre mix of horrified and fatigued. He'd been running all night, after all.

There was an insane bark of laughter from behind him. "No! I want you!"

"Obviously! But I don't want you!" Poor Naruto felt like crying. "Why can't you just leave me alone!"

"Because! You _do_ want me! You just don't know it yet!"

"You're crazy!"

His declaration was met with silence, and Naruto chanced a look back. However, this slowed him enough that Sasuke was able to pounce, and before he knew it, he'd been tackled to the floor and pinned there. His chest heaving, Naruto looked up at the Uchiha sitting on him with combined terror and resignation. He was too damn tired, but... but his virtue!

"No," he gasped in between trying to regain his breath.

Sasuke nodded. "Yes," he argued, straddling the blond's hips and pressing his wrists into the floor. "You'll agree. Eventually."

Blue eyes widened. "N-no! Sasuke... Sasuke, let's talk about this," he pleaded desperately. "You don't really want me..."

Sasuke clucked his tongue and shook his head, miming a patient parent speaking to their naive offspring, even if the situation was completely different than that. "Oh, but I really do," he said, lowering his lips to the blond's ear. "And so will you, soon," he added, grinding his hips against Naruto's enough to elicit a gasp.

The blond wasn't sure if it was a surprised gasp, though he decided it must be. The Uchiha was just going insane, after all. The heat must be getting to him (it was the dead middle of Winter, but Ero Sennin had once used this excuse, so he decided it was just as accurate) to make him act this way. Yeah, that was it. Soon enough, Sasuke would be back to his normal, avenger self. But until then... Naruto had to focus on staying alive. As well as keeping his viginity intact.

Another grind against him made him groan as he felt an entirely different feeling from last time. Oh no. The disease was spreading. "Sasu...ke," he moaned, gasping with Sasuke saw his reaction and did it again. "St...op. Uh..."

Grinning immorally, Sasuke leaned down, pressing a kiss to Naruto's throat, then another, and another, trailing them down his pulse and into the hollow of his throat, then up and along his jaw before capturing his mouth. He timed another grind of his hips to get Naruto to gasp again and his tongue darted inside the blond's mouth. Naruto was still fighting it, but under Sasuke's assault, he was quickly giving in.

With a hungry grin, Sasuke shifted Naruto's hands until he was able to hold both of them with one of his own and then started unzipping the blond's ghastly orange vest.

Perfect.


	3. I'm Not Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto is not gay. No, no he is not. He is not gay, he's not gay, he's not... Oh, Kami, that felt good- but-! He's not gay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Itachi never would have died, Deidara would have had raunchy sex with Sasori, Sakura wouldn't have been a total loser in the beginning and Ino would have totally kicked that bitch around the arena. … that bitch being Sakura, who was a total pansy way back when.

Naruto had escaped Sasuke's clutches once again (he was beginning to believe it when Tsunade-obaa and Ero Sennin told him he had the devil's luck), by accidentally knocking into the wall (while thrashing in a mad and largely ineffectual attempt to throw Sasuke off of him) and sending a huge, heavy, pointy stalactite crashing down on the Uchiha. Despite the fact that such a thing would have instantly killed a normal human, Uchiha Sasuke had Kishimoto-sensei and Mary Sue-ism on his side, so Naruto didn't stick around to find out if he'd survived or not.

Despite the fact that Sasuke should by all rights be dead now, and for the sake of the story (and the fact that Sasuke is, indeed, a Mary Sue - don't bitch, you know it's true; it's why we love him), we'll just assume Sasuke made some miraculous escape and/or recovery, ignore the fact that the authoress is sitting in the background chanting "Kill him, kill him, kill him" and continue on our merry way.

At the current moment, Naruto was hiding in Sasuke's hide out from Sasuke, specifically in Sasuke's bedroom trashcan. He figured if he wasn't able to stay hidden from Sasuke, then maybe Sasuke would be irrevocably repulsed by the stench and not want to... ahem... fuck him anymore. Then again, Sasuke was pretty far gone by now, wasn't he? (The authoress would like to point out that he's been 'pretty far gone' for the majority of the Naruto series, sans the part where he was... like... seven)(just don't ask the authoress why she's referring to herself in the third person).

Naruto caught his breath and held it at the tell-tale sound that accompanied a person when they 'poofed' into an area via teleportation jutsu. Silence, then, softly and eerily, sending a shiver of fear (and something strangely like want, but Naruto decided this was because he _wanted_ to escape indefinitely), "Naaarrruuutoooo. Come out, come out, where-ever you are. I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too."

Dog? Since when did he have a dog? Naruto had the sneaking suspicion that Sasuke may be on drugs. Not that he was about to point said suspicion out. He was too busy hiding for his life (virtue) and holding his breath.

"Naruto, I know you're in here. I can hear your desire," Sasuke continued, "Fufufu."

The fuck?

"Aha!" The lid of the trashcan where Naruto hid was swept off and Sasuke hauled him out and toward the shower ("Despite being insane," says the authoress, "He's a genius, Naruto. Did you really think the stinct would deter him for longer than it took to run you through the shower?"). Oh fuck. Five minutes later, after undressing the struggling Naruto (calling out 'rape' the whole time), Sasuke shoved him under the hot water (that was just the right temperature). "Wash," he ordered.

Naruto glared at him and grabbed a wash puff to cover himself with (because Sasuke was devouring him with his eyes). "Make me," he retorted, not really thinking through his fatigue and adrenaline.

He realized his mistake when Sasuke grinned immorally. "Don't mind if I do," he replied and snatched the (pink) puff away.

"I was kidding," Naruto said, backing up against the back of the shower when Sasuke stepped in, still fully clothed.

"I know," Sasuke replied and reached up.

Naruto flinched, squeezing his eyes shut. Then the puff was touching his chest, the liquid soap Sasuke had put on it much cooler than the water, and Naruto jumped at the sensation, eyes popping open. He stared at Sasuke in shock as his ex-teammate... _washed_ him. Naruto blushed when, suddenly, his cock gave an interested twitch. Sasuke - damn him - noticed. He grinned. Naruto paled.

Slowly, torturously, Sasuke dragged the puff back and forth across Naruto's stomach, inching downward. Naruto winced when Sasuke finally reached his now half-hard cock. Oh gods. "Stop," the blond panted, hips jerking forward as he clung to the back of the shower in an attempt to stay on his feet. Predictably, Sasuke ignored his plea and knelt in front of him, abandoning the puff to stroke Naruto's cock to painful hardness. "Please," Naruto begged, knees buckling so that it was only Sasuke's grip on his hip and the blond's arms on either side of the shower keeping him up. He wasn't sure what he was pleading for anymore.

Naruto moaned, writhing for a moment before he remembered how to think and began a mental chant. _I am not gay. No, no I am not. I am not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not... Oh, Kami, Sasuke, that feels good... Harder... But-! I'm not gay! The hell am I thinking!_ Fortunately (for Sasuke), the Uchiha decided at that point that his mouth was a good tool in his endeavors to seduce Naruto, and Naruto completely blanked.

Naruto may not have been gay, but maybe he was bi-sexual.


	4. Everybody Loves Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I hate you." "No, you love me. Admit it. It's impossible to do otherwise. After all, Kishimoto loves me." "... who?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Yeah... don't own it. I do own the aforementioned cheese puffs, though. Oh, and that shower puff. It's totally mine, too.  
> Dedication: To Azhwi, for purposely doing this to me (and I enjoy every minute of it). XD

Naruto didn't know how he'd gotten himself into this predicament. He was going on three days without sleep, five hours of being screwed by Sasuke (and begrudgingly loving every minute of it, not that he'd admit it), and he was low on chakra (for once). He was also beginning to wonder if he'd ever be rescued. Damn it all.

"Oh Naruto~!" Sasuke sang cheerily. Faaaar too cheerily.

Naruto cringed as Sasuke came back into the room, carrying a tray, garbed in his usual clothes, except one difference. He was wearing an apron. A pink apron. With frills. And duckies. (The authoress falls over backward with a nosebleed). The overall effect clashed horribly, burning Naruto's eyes, and if he hadn't been currently tied to a chair, he'd have fallen out of it (much like the authoress keeps doing). Speaking of being tied to a chair...

"Sasuke-teme! Lemme out!"

"And let you run away- again? No, no, no..." Sasuke smiled slightly. "I don't think so."

"Dammit."

Sasuke gave him another strange smile and set the tray down on the table in front of his blond (unwilling) lover. On it was a glass of juice (orange), a stack of pancakes and...

"I'm not taking that."

Sasuke grinned. "Yes. You are."

Naruto glared at the small white pill. "I don't know what it is!"

The Uchiha shrugged. "A vitamin?"

"Bullshit!" Like he'd believe tha-

Sasuke abruptly shoved the pill down his throat, followed by the orange juice (he nearly drowned Naruto and was forced to use CPR)(not that this was bad... for Sasuke). One thing lead to another, breakfast was prolonged, and Naruto found himself under Sasuke on the kitchen floor.

Again.

"I hate you."

"No, you love me. Admit it. It's impossible to do otherwise. After all, Kishimoto loves me."

"... who?"

"... the mangaka...?"

"Mangaka? Sasuke, are you on drugs?"

"... maybe..."

"I knew it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In an aside, please note that the authoress or her lovely, exotic muse Ms Azhwi, do not condone the use of illicit substances. Thank you.


	5. Damn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neji to the rescue! ... or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own it. However, I DID make up a couple of the jutsus mentioned...

It was going on four days since Naruto last slept. Of course, Sasuke hadn't slept in that long either. Currently, Naruto was tied to the bed and Sasuke was resting against him, but the blond knew he wasn't sleeping.

"... Sasuke?" No answer. ... wasn't he not sleeping? Luckily, he was.

Not.

There was a sound somewhere and Naruto tensed as the bedroom door slid silently open. And standing there...

Was Neji. Hyuuga Neji.

"Run!" Naruto hissed, shooting the sleeping Sasuke a worried look. Only one problem. It wasn't Sasuke. It was a pillow. "Oh, shit."

Neji frowned, then spun, detecting movement behind him.

_Crack!_

He crumbled to the ground, a manic Sasuke standing over him, holding a baseball bat. "New toy!" he declared.

Naruto sighed. Damn.

xXx

When Neji woke, he was surrounded by darkness and his head was pounding. He felt like someone had decked him with a log (little did he know, it was a bit more compact than that, but just as effective).

The Byakugan user sat completely still for some time, tied to a chair, before his head cleared enough that he realized it wasn't necessarily dark... just that he'd been blindfolded. He almost wanted to laugh. Were his captors idiots?

With a pulse of chakra, he activated his Byakugan.

There was no one in the immediate room, aside from himself, but about twenty yards to his left, someone lay horizontally. That someone was Naruto.

He'd recognize that chakra anywhere.

Deciding he was safe enough for the time being, he started tugging at his bonds only to realize they only got tighter the more he struggled.

Damn.

xXx

The day after Neji's capture, Naruto woke up. He was surprised by this. When had he fallen asleep? His eyes snapped open and he really wished they hadn't. Sasuke was two inches from his face, grinning perversely.

"Naarruuuttooo," he said, trailing a finger down Naruto's thigh.

Naruto sighed, squirming away. "Okay, Sasuke, if I promise not to go, will you untie me?"

"Sure." Sasuke reached up and started undoing his bonds.

Naruto was dumbstruck. Wait, what? What just happened? "W-what? Just like that?" he asked, shocked.

Sasuke grinned and nodded. "You promise not to leave, right?" He paused.

Naruto nodded quickly. "Sure Sasuke! I'll stay!" he lied. The instant Sasuke undid his bindings, he took off. His feet pounded through the house and he glanced over his shoulder every time he turned a corner.

Sasuke wasn't following.

Naruto finally opened a door that went outside... but an unseen force gripped his throat like a hot iron and slammed him back against the opposite wall. As the pain slowly faded, he heard slow footsteps and then Sasuke was crouching beside him, wiping his forehead with a cold cloth.

"Don't do that again," he suggested. "It'll hurt."

"C-coulda... warned me..." Naruto rasped, hand cupping his throat loosely.

Sasuke nodded. "I could have, but you'd have tried anyway. I don't like seeing you in pain, Naruto, so don't do it again, okay?" he ordered, rubbing Naruto's back almost soothingly.

"What happened?" Naruto muttered a few minutes later as Sasuke helped him to his feet.

"Trap jutsu. _Ori no Jutsu_ , to be specific."

Cage technique. He was trapped with a cage technique.

Damn.

xXx

Neji awoke to a hand on his shoulder, then something tugging on his ropes. "Hey," a rough, tired voice said. "You awake, Neji?"

"Naruto," he said, feeling relieved. "Are we escaping?"

"Can't. But I'm at least-"

"Naruto~!" a sing-song voice interrupted and Neji mentally cursed. "Now, now, Naruto, none of that. Back away, Naruto..."

"Sasuke, I- urgg...!" There was a soft thud somewhere to Neji's right.

" _Katon: Chein no Jutsu_ ," Sasuke continued conversationally. "It's a Katon technique 'cause it employs chakra to create fire in strict bands around the users limbs. Hurts, doesn't it?"

"Teme..." Naruto choked out.

Sasuke chuckled, drawing closer. "Kai." A hand gripped Neji's chin. "Welcome to our lovely little home, Neji-kun. I hope you enjoy your stay." And he was pulled into a rough kiss.

Suddenly, Neji understood why Naruto had told him to run.

Damn.


	6. Never Get Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke didn't kidnap them. He borrowed them with no intention of giving them back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Ooh, look! It's Itachi! *does the fangirl number and stalks him* … okay, he got away. Dammit.

As soon as Sasuke pulled out of the kiss, he reached around Neji's head to undo the blindfold. As soon as the knot was undone, Neji bit him.

"Ow!" Sasuke smacked him, pouting and rubbing his now bloody arm.

Neji glared and spit the blood out. "Release me and surrender," he ordered imperiously.

Sasuke was very still for a moment. Then he laughed. "Seriously? Naruto, tell him how much that would work."

Naruto sighed, looking like he hadn't slept in days. (And he hadn't.) "I think he's been smoking something, or has gone temporarily - or permanently - insane. He keeps talking about some dude named Kishimoto-"

"The mangaka?" Neji asked.

Sasuke made a victorious sound. "Aha! So I'm not the only one!"

"Of course not," Neji scoffed. "I'm a genius. I knew ages ago."

"I found out when I was five," Sasuke said petulantly.

"I knew when I was born," Neji retorted.

"I could throw kunai when I was in the uterus," Sasuke said, crossing his arms.

Neji wanted to cross his arms too, but couldn't, so instead glared. "Well, I retain my previous life's memories."

Sasuke snorted. "At least I don't have main house rants."

Neji bared his teeth. "At least I don't have sexual frustration because my brother won't fuck me."

"You don't have a brother, and I don't have sexual frustration," Sasuke snapped. "I've been having fun with Naruto."

"With the idiot? That's insane."

"That's what I said," mumbled Naruto, but he was ignored.

"He's my idiot!" Sasuke returned, grabbing Naruto and pulling him against his chest to kiss him roughly.

Neji made a face. "Gross. He looks like mustard."

Sasuke got a weird look on his face. "You're right. Mustard would go great with Naruto..." He turned and left the room.

Naruto glared at Neji. "Thanks. Now he's going to fuck me with mustard. Remind me next time I want to rescue you not to."

Neji sputtered. "W-what? He was serious! You guys have been... have been..."

Naruto sighed. "Yeah... Pretty much. And he hasn't slept in days."

The Byakugan user felt something uneasy snake down his spine. "And... what does he plan on doing to me...?" he asked, terrified.

Naruto smirked vindictively at that. "Probably much the same."

"Oh shit."

No sooner had the sentiment passed Neji's lips did the door swing open, revealing Sasuke. The Uchiha held a yellow bottle in one hand... and a jar of relish in the other. "Play time!"

Neji gaped; Naruto realized he'd never get out.


	7. Naruto's Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's the Super Sasuke Shadow Clone Genjutsu 2010. Only I am capable of doing it, 'cause Kishimoto-sensei loves me."
> 
> "He does not!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own a cactus. His name is Ralph. I wanted to name him Neji, but if I walked around saying 'I own Neji!' some fangirl might stab me in the eye with a pencil.  
> Dedication: one-of-the-Clayr on DA. You should read her Naruto Fan Comics. They're as hilarious as this, only slightly more in character. (who needs characterization when you can have crazy!Sasuke?)

"You realize that when _I_ escape, I'm leaving you here to your doom," Neji muttered, peeking around the corner.

Naruto sighed. "I figured as much. Maybe if you throw me at him, it'll distract him long enough for you to get out," he mused, voice equally low. "I'm willing to make the sacrifice for a comrade."

Neji nodded. "Tell Sakura-san you love her?"

"Yes. What else?"

"Understood." Judging the hall to be clear, the two darted out and into a nearby room, using a weak jutsu to blend in with their surroundings. Neji peered out the door, looking around the hall. "It's clear." He took a few steps out... then realized that Naruto wasn't following him.

For a beat, he hesitated, then he decided that - comrade or not - he wasn't going to risk getting recaptured by that psychopath again.

Meanwhile...

"Oh, so happy to find you again~!" Sasuke singsonged. He was dragging Naruto down a secret passage way by the foot, ignoring the desperate howls of "No! Let me go! Neeeejiiii! I'll get you, you traitor bastarrrddd!" and the scritch-scratching sound that was likely Naruto's fingernails on the stone floor. Either that, or he was completely oblivious to said sounds due to the depth of his apparent insanity.

It was a toss up as to which was the case.

"OH, by the way," Sasuke said, stopping and accidentally knocking Naruto's head into the floor. Luckily, Naruto's head was hard enough to survive the impact. The floor... not so much, if the spiderweb of cracks branching out from the point of impact were anything to go by. "Where'd Neji go?"

"He escaped."

"No he didn't," Sasuke scoffed. "I put that jutsu on him, too. Didn't you tell him?" Silence, and Sasuke snickered. "Hm... wonder how long it'll take him to figure it out?"

Naruto sighed. "Can you let me go already?"

Sasuke laughed. "No!" And he continued dragging the blond along. Naruto gave up trying to claw himself to freedom, tucked his arms across his chest and let himself be pulled away. After all, he was getting revenge on Neji for planning to leave him behind.

All was good... until they got back to Sasuke's bedroom.

xXx

Neji quickly found out about the jutsu. Luckily, he knew how to thwart Sasuke's efforts. All it took was a henge and-

"ITACHI! YOU BASTARD!"

... and Sasuke was trying to kill him. Hm. Maybe not the most thought out plan in the world. Neji escaped view and changed the henge a bit. "OMG! Kishimoto-sensei!" Sasuke screamed from behind him.

Neji barely avoided the glomp. "What the hell is wrong with you!" he demanded, staring at the loon that was drooling as he stared back from where he'd face-planted on the floor.

"Oh," Sasuke said, climbing to his feet and wiping the drool away. "It's you, Neji."

Damn, he'd dropped the henge in his bafflement. "... Are you on crack?" he demanded, backing up.

Sasuke lunged. Neji 'gentle fist'ed his face... not so gently. "STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!" he yelled. Then he turned and ran...

... into Sasuke.

"GAH!" He spun, only to be facing Sasuke. "SHIT! YOU'RE EVERYWHERE!"

Sasuke struck a pose. "It's the Super Sasuke Shadow Clone Genjutsu 2010. Only I am capable of doing it, 'cause Kishimoto-sensei loves me."

"He does not!" Neji refuted, annoyed. A tic began to pulse in his eyelid, distractingly.

"Does too!" Sasuke argued, pouting.

Neji shuddered. "Just... get the hell away from me!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Let's make babies!"

"HOLY SHIT! NO- NOOOOO!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh please, Neji... you totally wanna have his kid. XD Yes, I'm leaving you on a cliffy. *sits back to watch the chaos and neglects to mention certain details*

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers are all somewhat amusing and shall be included in the beginner's note.


End file.
